Craig Hummer - Cycling Commentator Extraordinaire

After what seems like an eternity, I'm finally done with my first build period of the season. The last few months of intervals, hill sprints, and TT workouts culminated in a massive team sufferfest this weekend, and my legs are officially whipped. It's lucky for me that today is a rest day and the beginning of an R&R week, and it's also clearly serendipitous that the Amgen Tour of California has now begun. The world clearly intends for me to watch the AToC, and I intend to abide by its intentions.

So far the broadcast has been marred by poor weather, which has prevented much of the live video from being seen. However, I have been prevented from tearing my apartment apart in frustration by the genius of the announcer who is Craig Hummer. Yes, Phil Liggett and Paul Sherwin - who together have 400 combined years of cycling commentating experience - are present as usual. But Versus has thankfully found it appropriate to employ an additional announcer in Mr. Hummer, who despite knowing exactly nothing about cycling and limiting his remarks to either entirely obvious or blatantly incorrect statements, is clearly a rising star in the commentating sky.


Here are some examples of Mr. Hummer's almost breathtaking genius:

"Out front the leaders are trying to do their best to keep that gap as large as possible, while back in the peloton . . . they're trying to close the gap."

Wait, the chasing group would like to catch the breakaway? Really? It's clear now that it was Mr. Hummer's capacity for making cutting observations like this that inspired the AToC organizers to bring Mr. Hummer on board. After all, if we were at all unaware that the chasing group was interested in catching the break, we would be completely confused as to what was happening. Prior to Mr. Hummer's lucid statement, I was just wondering why everyone was riding in the same direction. Are they all heading to grab some lunch together? What are they having? Couldn't they just have called out for delivery and saved themselves the hassle of such a long ride? I also had no idea why they were moving so quickly. I thought that, perhaps, they were running late for an appointment or reservation of some sort, which would tend to confirm my lunch meeting theory. With one easy statement, Mr. Hummer shattered my now obviously incorrect lunch hypothesis and put the rest of the race in perspective.

In discussing the new electronic Dura-Ace gruppo - "Those components will save you valuable milliseconds and power."

While it makes some minimal sense that faster, smoother electronic shifting could potentially provide a rider with a slight advantage if a shift became necessary under full effort, I was not aware that electronic Dura-Ace could actually save power. How exactly this is possible has not been made clear to me, but I wouldn't presume to contradict the statements of Versus's newest elite commentator. The only explanation for this statement seems to be that, in addition to the electronically-actuated shifting system, Shimano has somehow snuck a small electronic motor into the rear hub which will help to save the rider valuable power. Given that blood doping is now so difficult to pull off without being caught, banned, and subsequently re-welcomed to the peloton in a glorious comeback two years later, it's clear that Shimano saw an opening into the competitive cheating industry and jumped at the opportunity. This also helps to explain the $4,000 cost of the gruppo. While this price tag would be exorbitant for a group that simply shifts slightly smoother than traditional mechanical gruppos, such a sneaky and effective alternative to blood doping is clearly worth its weight in EPO.

"Phil mentioned the condors, but I'm going to start calling them the 'chalk-hawks,' are out there chalking up the road."

On first blush this statement makes absolutely no sense to me or to anybody else, and so is clear evidence that Mr. Hummer is on another level of cycling expertise. Upon doing some research, what has become clear is that 'chalk-hawks' refers to the violent non-profit organization dedicated to conservation of the birds and wetlands of Dorset, U.K. (not to be confused with the affiliated but independent 'Chalk & Cheese,' the Dorset rural food production group):


Only Mr. Hummer knows why, but the Chalk Hawks - perhaps inspired by the activist goals of Lance Armstrong's Livestrong campaign - have arrived in force at the finish line to mark up the street. This is intensely important information as it provides details about possible terrorist activities in the final stretch, and the people of this country and the pro peloton owe Mr. Hummer a great debt for alerting government officials to this fact.

Yes, in this coming rest week I will certainly be sure to spend some of my extra time watching the AToC and basking in the glow of Mr. Hummer's genius, a genius which is a valuable asset for the Versus network, the UCI, and the people of the United States.