Friday, April 17, 2009

News Flash! Hamilton Tests Positive for Banned Steroids!

Tyler Hamilton, member of professional cycling team Rock Racing and current American road champion, has tested positive for banned steroid Dehydroepiandrosterone (DHEA) in an out-of-competition control.

Hamilton, leading a breakaway in the 2009 American Road Championships

Hamilton admitted to knowingly taking the banned substance, which was contained in a supplement intended to treat depression. "I took a banned substance so I need to take whatever penalty they will give me and move forward," Hamilton said.

Hamilton addresses the media following the announcement of his positive control

Asked what he will do following the announcement of his positive test, Hamilton said "I will retire immediately from cycling and pursue my true calling - cleaning out dirty vaginas. I mean, seriously, I'm a total douchebag. Didn't you guys notice before now?"

2 comments:

"Chair" said...

"For Tyler simultaneously to take a massive dump on two industries [psychiatry and cycling] by reaching for the simple solution is abysmal." -Bob Roll

Brown said...

Bobke is the shit.